I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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