I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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