True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
