Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
