apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
