There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize