I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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