I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize