you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize