Banned from zoo.
Again?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
