i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
