I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize