oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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