just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
