Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
