Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
