SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
