Umm I'm too high to move.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
