I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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