Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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