I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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