I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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