the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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