i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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