I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
