Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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