Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
and she was petting her beer can
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Someone shattered a urinal.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize