I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
