I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
