you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
