Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
my poor anus
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
