last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
