took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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