Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
