This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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