Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
