The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't put those talents on a resume
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
