This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
