where am i from again
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
