3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize