New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
