1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
