Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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