I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
