I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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