How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
