Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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