Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
