There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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