You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
