my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
