The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
