Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
