he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
