I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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