Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
