some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
