You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
