I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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