Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
