There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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